Processing

Ah, processing. Thinking, meditating, contemplating, remembering, sorting out thoughts...

As I promised in my last blog, this is kind of a blog about what I've been learning (an sort of an update on how I'm doing I suppose...). [At this point, if you're confused about exactly what I'm processing, click see my post here --> ] At this time, I want to give a huge shout-out to all those who have been praying for me and helping me along this journey - specifically Cheryl E., Naomi G., and Alyssa Rose, Beth Moore, and E. I love you all more than words can say, and you bless me so much!

(Just for future reference: in this blog post, when I talk about moving on, I am specifically referring to moving back...going back to a place you were once, but are moved back to. For me, that place is home in Colorado. Thank you, carry on...)


Such a challenge - trying to integrate, rather than pretend nothing has changed, or resent where the Lord has me now. The reality is that the Lord did some awesome stuff in my life through LWB. It has in fact made a huge difference in my spiritual walk, in my personal growth, and also in my ballet technique.

So, the following are some things I've learned/re-learned while processing:

1. Grieving over something is okay, and it is also healthy.

I've heard these trainee programs referred to as a "spiritual greenhouse" of sorts. It is an intense environment, specifically designed to grow Christian dancers to maturity by throwing them into this environment. It is an environment where you are surrounded by Christians almost all day (apart from when you go to work), and almost any time, day or night, if you need someone to pray with you, to talk to you about something - there are your 5 roommates (who, by the way, you dance with all day too) available to help a girl out. Maybe this is just my experience having awesome roommates both years at LWB, but it was amazing. Every day you're getting poured into spiritually, discipled, trained, and then forced to put what you're learning into action. A very unique environment in that you are being trained intensely both in dance, and in Kingdom-work. There are few programs like it. I think it is fairly safe to say that I will never be in a "spiritual greenhouse" like that again....

And that is something worth grieving. Mourning over, even. Not forever, but for a time. The last two years with LWB have been a wonderful season of growth...it has been hard, and even painful at times, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

2. The Lord's sovereignty over my life is a good thing.

A couple different friends wrote/or pointed me to a blog posts dealing with both surrender, and also with loss ended up being incredibly timely. A challenge was put forth for me to truly to surrender my way (both the past, present, and future) to Jesus, and not wonder "what if.....". There are no 'what ifs' with God. There is no plan B - His plan for my life has always been plan A, and as His way is perfect, obeying Him is truly best.

3. Any gift the Lord gives is really a loan.

Something I've learned about the Lord's gifts - they are not like our gifts. Because "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together" (Col. 1:17), every part of our lives are in His hands. Even the things He gives us in this life are ultimately under His care. And, as someone who's surrendered my life to Jesus (crucified with Christ [Gal. 2:20], and dead, but not hidden with Christ in God [Col. 3:3-4]), His right to any part of my life should be doubly true. Therefore, any gift that is His to give, is also His gift to take. I have no doubt that this is not a popular teaching, but I have seen it be true time and again. Were it not for the Lord's great love and mercy, this would be terrifying (and honestly, it still is a little bit scary), but since I've seen His faithfulness time and again, I will trust Him. And in this season of my life that is so dark that I can only see the next step in front of me - I must trust Him.

4. Being faithful to the Lord is not always exciting

But it is what the Lord asks. For now obeying means living at home and teaching for CMA. Its not big/important (at least in the eyes of the world), and its not super exciting, but it is what He has called me to today. The longer I'm alive, the more I think that the Lord is looking for those who will be faithful to Him, rather than those who want to do many exciting things in His name. (Not saying that being faithful doesn't have its exciting moments, but there is a shift in thinking. Am I willing to take a small, humble task, and do it faithfully as long as the Lord commands? For someone as prideful as myself its. so. convicting.)

5. Ironically, when the Lord puts hard things in your way, He's the one you need to rely on the most

Its so counter-cultural: one would assume that the One who brings some form of trial into your life should be avoided at all costs. Not so with the Lord. I've found that no one understands like He does, and there is none so faithful as Him. All glory to Him for His great mercy.

6. Its ultimately not about me/my dreams/agenda, but about His glory

Simple concept. Its so easy to think that your dreams are really all about His glory until He clearly causes the two to seperate, and then you must choose. My own interests or obedience? My life or the way of the cross? I am comforted by the fact that even Jesus had a momentary hesitation of choosing obedience (and the way of the cross) when faced with a difficult road. But the glory of God won out: "Nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will." (Matt. 26:50) I pray my response is the same.