Sometimes when I blog, I know exactly what I want to say and so I say it. Other times, I don' know what to say, and don't really want to say anything, and therefore don't write. This is one of those times. I don't want to say what I am going to, but as one purpose of this blog is to update people I know about what is going on in my life, you have a right to know that.
Where do I begin?
At the end of March, I had my evaluation here at LWB. Evaluations is always a stressful time, because it is a meeting where you sit down with the director and the company members and talk about what the year has been like for you, what kind of progress you've made, where you could grow....and also, what you can expect for the next year.
I went into this meeting not sure what would happen. I am a second year trainee in a two year trainee program, so that means that one of two things can happen: 1) they invite you back as an apprentice with the company, with (ideally) a plan to transition you into the comapany in the future 2) you get "released from the program" and sent off to whatever the Lord has for you next. As you might guess, my answer was the latter. I went in and sat down in the chair, and they proceeded to tell me that I had improved in many ways this year as an artist, in my technique, in my walk with the Lord. And then she said, "in light of this, what I am going to say is very hard." And she read me what she had written out to say, that although she wished I could stay, she clearly felt the Lord telling her otherwise, that I was not to stay and be involved at LWB any longer. They feel that the Lord will eventually call me to the mission field (which I feel also), and prayed that the Lord would lead me in His paths for the future.
A part of me had wondered if that was what would happen. It was kind of a deja vu moment, because when I had auditioned (and been rejected) for Ballet Magnificat! 2 years before, I later found out it was not because of my technique or my character that they said no - it was because the Lord clearly told them I was not supposed to come to their program. Hearing it the same answer a second time was harder, and even more confusing than the first. It made me feel very displaced, like I don't have a place I really belong.
So, come July I will be moving home to Colorado. This next year I will teach again for CMA, the dance ministry I was at before I moved to syracuse to dance with LWB. Its kind of a fallback option, an interim step. And after that? I don't know. When I talked to the director, she said she felt like the Lord would open doors this next year for what the next step will be. I hope so.
As you might imagine, this all hurts a lot. It hurts to have the Lord say no to the dreams you've had for years, and it hurts to leave behind a place that has had such an impact on me, and a place that has given me the opportunity to grow and minister beside some wonderful people.
But I know that the Lord is good. His plans sure aren't like ours....at all.....but they are good. I keep reminding myself of how I didn't want to move to Syracuse in the first place, but now, 2 years later I don't want to leave. He definitely knows better than I do. But for now I'm grieving a loss....and I know that joy will come in the morning. He is faithful, and I know whatever He takes away, He will fill up that loss with more of Himself. He will put me in a place where He will bring the most glory to Himself, and that is a joy and a privilege - for simply being in His presence is a joy and a privilege, and "in His presence is the fullness of joy."
He is a good Father. I follow, and though I do not see now, His sweet voice and gentle hands will guide me into what He has next.
