Yielding

 Have you ever stopped to think about people in the Bible and the commands God gives them?  Put yourself in their shoes for a moment, and try to imagine what that must have been like?  Just some thoughts I've had recently...

For example, in Joshua 5 and 6 (not too long after Joshua has started leading the Israelites), Joshua is faced with a big problem.  That big problem is named the city of Jericho.  Joshua gets a chance to talk from the Lord and hear His plan, and it goes something like this:  Basically, Joshua, you are going to get your people to walk around the city once a day for 6 days.  Then on the seventh day, you'll walk around Jericho seven times, then the priests will blow the trumpet, the people will shout, and voila!  The walls will fall down.

Personally, if I were Joshua, my first response would be:  uh, are you sure about this plan?
(Or if it was God telling Gwen to do this, my response would probably be a lot more blunt.  Blunt as in directly telling God, "I'm pretty sure this is a terrible plan!")

Nevertheless, Joshua obeys, and we all know the end to this story:  the walls come down exactly as God said they would.  This story has a major lack of self-reliance and a giant dose of faith in God and in His word.  And not surprisingly, God gets the glory for the whole situation.

Example B of crazy things the Lord tells you:  Mary, in Luke 1.  As in Mary the mother of Jesus.  Imagine having a huge angel coming to you and saying "You are favored of the Lord!  Even though you're not married yet, you're going to get pregnant supernaturally and your child will be the Son of God."  Say what!?  "I was all ready to go and be happily married, with my Pinterest-perfect life all laid out in front of me...I think this kind of throws a wrench in my plans."  Oh wait.  Mary didn't say that.  (But I totally would.)  What she actually says is "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word." (Luke 1: 38)  And again - there is obedience.  And there is blessing.  And the Lord is glorified.

  These are just the first stories that came to mind.  I could go on.

  Its been a very challenging thought to me lately.  I find myself looking at the Lord's plan, and in my human stupidity saying "Not gonna lie, I think this is a terrible plan.  I kind of hate it."  (Wow, how arrogant am I?  The clay is too stupid to have any say in the Potter's work, and yet she comments anyway.)  But time and time again I'll read or hear of a story of someone being obedient to a command of the Lord and yielding their rights and their way, and there is blessing.  And an amazing plan is worked out by the hand of the Lord, and He receives all the glory.

Yielding.  Denying self.  Surrender.  However you want to put it, it will sound great in your inspirational Christian book, and be ridiculously hard and painful in practice.  But so necessary for those who would follow Jesus.  Lord may I be quick to yield, and slow to give suggestions on the plans that You have in store.  Thank you that You are God and I am not.  Help me to not soon forget that fact...

Never Once

"Scars and struggle on the way, but with joy our hearts can say 'Never once, did we ever walk alone...'"

This last session of teaching has flown by... we are so close to the end! I am so incredibly thankful for schedules and routine that make time seem to pass more quickly.

Each session at CMA, we focus on a certain topic for our devotional time throughout the session. Our session theme this fall has been "My Strength and My Song." The idea is that as we learn to remember and recognize what God has done in our lives previously, we then let that remembrance and knowledge fuel how we serve Him now. Also, remembering and seeing what He has done in our lives should bring us to a place of sharing that story of His faithfulness.

Hmm, what a timely message for Gwen to hear!

Before the start of the session, I felt like the Lord wanted me to go back and read some of my old journals (especially ones from the past 3 years). I wasn't quite sure why, but as I started reading and remembering things forgotten, it was so encouraging to see where the Lord has brought me from, what He has brought through, and where He has brought me to now. It has forced me to admit that the Lord has been incredibly faithful in my life, at a time when I can sometimes want to sit in my pity party whining about how the Lord has done nothing for me. Its been a great reminder both of the Lord's great love, and also of my own (spiritual) short term memory loss.

In our devotional times in class, teachers have also been having students share testimonies of how they've seen God working in their own lives. What a blessing that has been! There is nothing like being able to hear your students share stories of how they have seen (and currently see) the Lord at work in their lives. (We'll also end up putting together a cardboard testimony video for the performance - I can't wait to see it! If you've never seen Cardboard Testimonies, check it out on Youtube. Really good stuff!)

The Lord is basically just too good to us...and He really knows how to drive a point home. Because sometimes the best way to learn (or remind yourself of) something yourself is to teach it to someone else.

Saturday thoughts

Its hard when you so desperately want to go, and then you're called to stay for a season :( And watch a lot of other people go as well....

*sigh*

OK, pity party over. Time to go preach myself some truth!

Steadfast love...and sovereignty

So, just have to write a post to tell about the amazing goodness of the Lord...

I have recently been in need of a new ipod. I use the word "need" loosely, because ipods are things that fall under the catagory of "definitely can live without it." However, as a dance teacher, it is a blessing. My dear little 4gb ipod nano, which I've had since about 2007, has been wonderful. My one and only complaint was the size - unfortunately, 4gb was not enough to hold all the songs I would need to teach, and also have some non-teaching songs on there as well. Every time I needed a new song on there for teaching, some other song (or sometimes album) would need to go away. And then it became a matter of, "which of this music will I miss the least?" and vote something off the island. It got old really fast.

I'd been researching both Ipod Classics and the Ipod touch for a while - Amazon, the Apple store, Craigslist....just hadn't made any major decisions...and also didn't exactly have a ton of money to buy one either.

And then....my old voice teacher (who I haven't seen or talked to in years) contacted me on Facebook, asking if I was still looking for an ipod (I'd made some frustrated ipod-related status on facebook a few weeks earlier). She had an 80gb ipod classic sitting at her house that wasn't being used. I responded saying yes!! And asked how much she was selling it for...

And it turns out she wanted to give it to me. She felt like she was supposed to...

Wait. You're giving me an ipod classic? For free? No way.

I may or may not have cried a little bit. Its just so like the Father to do this! To know that I could use one, and didn't necessarily need an ipod, but would be so blessed by this! Wow. Amazing...just a reminder of the Lord's faithfulness and goodness even in a more challenging season.

And if I'm honest, there have been a lot of moments like that since I've moved back to Colorado. Getting to spend time with my family. Being able to spend some time with sweet friends from far away, and be encouraged by them. Being blessed by friends here at home. Even little silly things, like a pair of skinny jeans that I'd wanted to buy and then someone gave some to me. Or a Starbucks card. Or watch the Lord time the strikes of a lightning storm with some song about His power that "happened" to be playing on KLOVE radio. The blessings have been varied, but they are always personal.

I've written quite a few posts about the Lord's goodness on His blog. I don't know why I am sometimes so surprised by it...perhaps walking through some rougher paths have made me more aware of His almighty power and sovereignty to the point of forgetting His unfailing love and grace. I can't say that I believe the Lord to be One who will never directly cause or make bad (at least, bad according to our definition) things happen in our lives (although He does love us with a great and jealous love), but I do know that any storm, whether "sent" by Him or not, has been at the very least, permitted by Him. And with any storm there comes along side of it some sort of reminder of His goodness to help us remember His lovingkindness.

Its one of the amazing things that I really do love about the Lord - the fact that He is indeed sovereign and Holy and God Almighty, the one who is surrounded by thunder and lightning around His very throne. He cannot be tamed or controlled by any force... or as C.S. Lewis puts it in his book, The Lion, the Witch, and Wardrobe (speaking of Aslan)

Safe? Of course He isn't safe....but He's good. He's the King.

And like the character of Aslan of the story, He is the God who has also drawn near to His prodigal sons to reunite them to Himself, and bring many sons to glory. His love for us, and His desire to glorify Himself were His motivation. He has done this at a very costly price to Himself - His own life. Amazing. And this is the gospel - not to create perfectly safe, temporally happy, and easy lives for those who put their trust in Jesus, but to ultimately bring glory to Himself. Which, seeing as that is our ultimate purpose as well (as His creation), leaves us feeling even more fulfilled as we do what we were created to do - glorify our Creator God. He is more than worthy of my obedience, and my waiting upon Him, for His love and His purposes do not fail!

Anyway, just some thoughts :-)

Counting the Cost

For those in Christ, what we lose has small value in comparison to what we gain.

I gain Christ.

Christ, the "image of the invisible God, firstborn of all creation." (Col. 1:15)
Christ, by whom "all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers of authorities - all things were created through Him and for Him." (Col. 1:16)
Christ, who "is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." (Col. 1:17)
Christ, who "in Him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of His cross." (Col. 1:19-20)

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness that comes from God and depends on faith - that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." Phil. 3:7-11

"For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." Col. 3:3-4

"Then Jesus told His disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, let Him deny Himself and take up His cross and follow me. For whoever would save His life will lose it, but whoever loses His life for my sake will find it." Matt. 16:24-25

Processing

Ah, processing. Thinking, meditating, contemplating, remembering, sorting out thoughts...

As I promised in my last blog, this is kind of a blog about what I've been learning (an sort of an update on how I'm doing I suppose...). [At this point, if you're confused about exactly what I'm processing, click see my post here --> ] At this time, I want to give a huge shout-out to all those who have been praying for me and helping me along this journey - specifically Cheryl E., Naomi G., and Alyssa Rose, Beth Moore, and E. I love you all more than words can say, and you bless me so much!

(Just for future reference: in this blog post, when I talk about moving on, I am specifically referring to moving back...going back to a place you were once, but are moved back to. For me, that place is home in Colorado. Thank you, carry on...)


Such a challenge - trying to integrate, rather than pretend nothing has changed, or resent where the Lord has me now. The reality is that the Lord did some awesome stuff in my life through LWB. It has in fact made a huge difference in my spiritual walk, in my personal growth, and also in my ballet technique.

So, the following are some things I've learned/re-learned while processing:

1. Grieving over something is okay, and it is also healthy.

I've heard these trainee programs referred to as a "spiritual greenhouse" of sorts. It is an intense environment, specifically designed to grow Christian dancers to maturity by throwing them into this environment. It is an environment where you are surrounded by Christians almost all day (apart from when you go to work), and almost any time, day or night, if you need someone to pray with you, to talk to you about something - there are your 5 roommates (who, by the way, you dance with all day too) available to help a girl out. Maybe this is just my experience having awesome roommates both years at LWB, but it was amazing. Every day you're getting poured into spiritually, discipled, trained, and then forced to put what you're learning into action. A very unique environment in that you are being trained intensely both in dance, and in Kingdom-work. There are few programs like it. I think it is fairly safe to say that I will never be in a "spiritual greenhouse" like that again....

And that is something worth grieving. Mourning over, even. Not forever, but for a time. The last two years with LWB have been a wonderful season of growth...it has been hard, and even painful at times, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

2. The Lord's sovereignty over my life is a good thing.

A couple different friends wrote/or pointed me to a blog posts dealing with both surrender, and also with loss ended up being incredibly timely. A challenge was put forth for me to truly to surrender my way (both the past, present, and future) to Jesus, and not wonder "what if.....". There are no 'what ifs' with God. There is no plan B - His plan for my life has always been plan A, and as His way is perfect, obeying Him is truly best.

3. Any gift the Lord gives is really a loan.

Something I've learned about the Lord's gifts - they are not like our gifts. Because "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together" (Col. 1:17), every part of our lives are in His hands. Even the things He gives us in this life are ultimately under His care. And, as someone who's surrendered my life to Jesus (crucified with Christ [Gal. 2:20], and dead, but not hidden with Christ in God [Col. 3:3-4]), His right to any part of my life should be doubly true. Therefore, any gift that is His to give, is also His gift to take. I have no doubt that this is not a popular teaching, but I have seen it be true time and again. Were it not for the Lord's great love and mercy, this would be terrifying (and honestly, it still is a little bit scary), but since I've seen His faithfulness time and again, I will trust Him. And in this season of my life that is so dark that I can only see the next step in front of me - I must trust Him.

4. Being faithful to the Lord is not always exciting

But it is what the Lord asks. For now obeying means living at home and teaching for CMA. Its not big/important (at least in the eyes of the world), and its not super exciting, but it is what He has called me to today. The longer I'm alive, the more I think that the Lord is looking for those who will be faithful to Him, rather than those who want to do many exciting things in His name. (Not saying that being faithful doesn't have its exciting moments, but there is a shift in thinking. Am I willing to take a small, humble task, and do it faithfully as long as the Lord commands? For someone as prideful as myself its. so. convicting.)

5. Ironically, when the Lord puts hard things in your way, He's the one you need to rely on the most

Its so counter-cultural: one would assume that the One who brings some form of trial into your life should be avoided at all costs. Not so with the Lord. I've found that no one understands like He does, and there is none so faithful as Him. All glory to Him for His great mercy.

6. Its ultimately not about me/my dreams/agenda, but about His glory

Simple concept. Its so easy to think that your dreams are really all about His glory until He clearly causes the two to seperate, and then you must choose. My own interests or obedience? My life or the way of the cross? I am comforted by the fact that even Jesus had a momentary hesitation of choosing obedience (and the way of the cross) when faced with a difficult road. But the glory of God won out: "Nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will." (Matt. 26:50) I pray my response is the same.

Joy in the Journey

[Some of the labes are messed up...but I'm tired, and you're smart, you can figure it out I think ;)]

Hello friends!

Its been a while since I've posted. I wish I could honestly say that I've been busy, but it in truth I've been busy at times, and then procrastinated at other times ;)

This summer has been quite different - following the end of year performance at LWB at the beginning of June, the rest of my summer (thus far) has had no dancing, but some other fun things, such as packing, moving, saying goodbye to Syracuse, vacationing, roadtripping, and saying hello again to Denver. I've been in Denver for a couple of weeks now, and and still trying to set up my room... You know how it goes. So here's some pictures from the summer...

My roommate Cayla and I took a day trip into Boston (She's from MA)

...and we also spent a week out on Cape Cod...

and we also kayaked/picnicked a bit :-)

...and also took a day trip to Martha's Vineyard! This lighthouse is on MV.

On our road trip from Cape Cod to Denver, we stopped through Cleveland to see some sweet friends :) And also went to Cedar Point amusement park for the day!

And we also stopped through Peoria, IL to see my grandparents, and also got to see my aunt and uncle!

Roadtrips merit Starbucks (Omaha, NE)

And then we also decided to climb a 14er after we got to Denver :) Yes, we are a little crazy...but we did it!

Beautiful scenery, beautiful friends...


Its been a good summer. Adventures with friends, lots of transitions, some hard times, and a lot of fun times. I've been learning a lot...but I should probably post that in another blog ;-) Suffice it to say, that even in valleys, the Lord provides refreshment for those He loves. There is joy in the journey.

Moving Forward

Sometimes when I blog, I know exactly what I want to say and so I say it. Other times, I don' know what to say, and don't really want to say anything, and therefore don't write. This is one of those times. I don't want to say what I am going to, but as one purpose of this blog is to update people I know about what is going on in my life, you have a right to know that.



Where do I begin?



At the end of March, I had my evaluation here at LWB. Evaluations is always a stressful time, because it is a meeting where you sit down with the director and the company members and talk about what the year has been like for you, what kind of progress you've made, where you could grow....and also, what you can expect for the next year.

I went into this meeting not sure what would happen. I am a second year trainee in a two year trainee program, so that means that one of two things can happen: 1) they invite you back as an apprentice with the company, with (ideally) a plan to transition you into the comapany in the future 2) you get "released from the program" and sent off to whatever the Lord has for you next. As you might guess, my answer was the latter. I went in and sat down in the chair, and they proceeded to tell me that I had improved in many ways this year as an artist, in my technique, in my walk with the Lord. And then she said, "in light of this, what I am going to say is very hard." And she read me what she had written out to say, that although she wished I could stay, she clearly felt the Lord telling her otherwise, that I was not to stay and be involved at LWB any longer. They feel that the Lord will eventually call me to the mission field (which I feel also), and prayed that the Lord would lead me in His paths for the future.

A part of me had wondered if that was what would happen. It was kind of a deja vu moment, because when I had auditioned (and been rejected) for Ballet Magnificat! 2 years before, I later found out it was not because of my technique or my character that they said no - it was because the Lord clearly told them I was not supposed to come to their program. Hearing it the same answer a second time was harder, and even more confusing than the first. It made me feel very displaced, like I don't have a place I really belong.

So, come July I will be moving home to Colorado. This next year I will teach again for CMA, the dance ministry I was at before I moved to syracuse to dance with LWB. Its kind of a fallback option, an interim step. And after that? I don't know. When I talked to the director, she said she felt like the Lord would open doors this next year for what the next step will be. I hope so.

As you might imagine, this all hurts a lot. It hurts to have the Lord say no to the dreams you've had for years, and it hurts to leave behind a place that has had such an impact on me, and a place that has given me the opportunity to grow and minister beside some wonderful people.

But I know that the Lord is good. His plans sure aren't like ours....at all.....but they are good. I keep reminding myself of how I didn't want to move to Syracuse in the first place, but now, 2 years later I don't want to leave. He definitely knows better than I do. But for now I'm grieving a loss....and I know that joy will come in the morning. He is faithful, and I know whatever He takes away, He will fill up that loss with more of Himself. He will put me in a place where He will bring the most glory to Himself, and that is a joy and a privilege - for simply being in His presence is a joy and a privilege, and "in His presence is the fullness of joy."

He is a good Father. I follow, and though I do not see now, His sweet voice and gentle hands will guide me into what He has next.

False gods of recognition...

A quote from a link one of my pastors posted on facebook the other day....so convicted.

"The false god of recognition. Lets be honest. Most of us like recognition and some of us crave it. And ministry is a perfect platform for it because in addition to being somebody, we have the extra benefit of being able to say we do it for Jesus which is considered noble and self sacrificing. Actually, when recognition is our god, it is self aggrandizement and selfishness hiding behind the guise of ministry. The need for recognition from others rather than the smile of Jesus is a false god and one that is dangerously seductive. Whenever our ministry begins to feed our ego we are on dangerous ground." -TJ Addington, from his blog Leading from the Sandbox



I think we are too slow to recognize and label things as gods or idols in our lives. (I know I am.) Our God is jealous, He commands we have none before Him and none besides Him. Nothing competing with Him for our attention, our affection, our time. He's after our hearts. Does He have yours? Does your heart completely belong to Him?

Convinced

Today, 6 of us trainees from Light of the World Ballet went to do what we refer to as "Wednesday Outreach." There have been variations on what kind of outreach we do, and today, we did outreach in one of its purest forms - street evangelism.
So, armed with Dunkin Donuts gifts cards, a lot of prayer, and the name of Jesus on our lips and the love of God in our hearts, we headed out to a street corner that has a ton of bus stops around. (Please don't think of me as super spiritual, or a super Christian for doing this. It scared me half to death both times we've done this....)
Suffice it to say, it is very nerve-wracking approach a person who you literally just met on the street and try to talk to them about Jesus. But, approach we did....

The last time we went was freezing cold, and many people were so closed that they wouldn't even want any sort of prayer, or even a cup of coffee. Today was much warmer, and perhaps the wonderful presence of the sun had melted away some of the hardness of hearts and faces. (Either that, or the awesome presence of the Lord had been working on opening hearts! I'm pretty sure that was the real reason.) We talked to these two black girls who I could have sworn were in their 20s, but were only 14 and 15. One of them wasn't in school because she got suspended for something having to do with drugs. The other shared with us how her dad had lung cancer, and could go any day. We took them to Dunkin Donuts and got to talk with them about Jesus and pray with them before they headed off down the street.
We also talked to this guy named Shane, who recently got diagnosed with a mental illness. He was very open to hearing about Jesus, and I had the privilege of presenting the Gospel to him. We invited him to church on Sunday, and we're praying that he comes. At the end, we prayed for him and when I looked up, he had tears in his eyes. WOW, talk about divine appointments - being in the right place at the right time.

I kept thinking of the story in Acts 3 of a lame beggar getting healed. The beggar asks Peter and John for money, to which Peter replies "I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!" And the man is healed and starts leaping around praising the Lord. The Lord knows that I have literally nothing to offer on my own - all I have is what He has given me. And it is more than enough, because in the name of Jesus is power, and there is no other name under heaven by which men can be saved. And the awesome thing about witnessing to someone else is that is strengthens your own belief as well - it makes me even more convinced of the fact that Jesus is alive and He is good and holy and righteous and powerful....
I could go on all day.

Some pics we took afterward...