I'm drinking coffee, getting ready to go to a New Years Party.
and I'm thinking back over 2011...
I know I say the word 'wow' a lot, but WOW. So much has happened. Let me rephrase that: The LORD has accomplished so much. In me, through me, in spite of me...
I think "my" biggest "accomplishment" for 2011 is the work the Lord has begun in my heart. It started with breakthrough and ended with ....well, except for the fact that it hasn't ended. It hasn't been accomplished. YET.
I remember a year ago asking the Lord for one word that should define 2011. His answer?
KEEP
Keep seeking
Keep reaching
Keep pressing in
Don't give up
Press ON
Its been a good word. I don't want to throw it away just because I'm hitting 2012. As Paul says in Philippians 3:15 that those of us who are mature should think this way: that we press on and strain toward what is ahead for that prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I've realized that I basically need to give up on thinking of myself as mature. The Lord has clearly shown me that there was so much pride in my thinking that way when every step has been by His grace. (When I say that, I mean either by His grace directly, or by His grace in giving me/growing me in self-discipline)
He is good. His lessons might be hard, His discipline might be painful, but I'm standing in awe at His work. I'm asking for more of Jesus, and less of Gwen in 2012. I'm excited to see what He has in store....truly.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Heart Transplant
So I'm a bad blogger.... sorry about that.
Frankly, there have been many times where I have been tempted to blog thoughts and things, and then just realized that these "thoughts" are really more along the lines of rants. They would be the angry, frustrated product of someone who should really just journal, read her Bible, and talk to Jesus about things first. (Please know, I'm not trying to shut you out my life - I'm trying to be more prudent in what I say, especially when what I have to say is probably not true or uplifting for anyone to read.)
So here I am, on Christmas break, trying to sort through a couple months worth of thoughts, experiences, memories. To be perfectly honest, the last couple months have been...how shall we say......very rough. Emotionally, relationally, spiritually. There has been some painful situations to walk through over these months, but even more painful than the situation is seeing my reaction to that situation. I never cease to be amazed when the Lord reveals to me the utter depravity of my own heart, the depth of the sin and wickedness that happens there. The Lord is doing a major work.
And its not like the He wasn't doing a work before, but this one is different. Its deeper. Some very deeply rooted sins are being exposed, and feel like they are being ripped out. Its excruciatingly painful. And in some ways I knew what I was in for - I gave the Lord permission to do what needed to be done to work on these areas. I guess I underestimated how painful that work was going to be! (Side note: Prayers for things like humility and for the Lord to "do what is necessary to deal with X" - these prayers are dangerous! Know that the Lord will hear and will answer swiftly! Pray at your own risk!)
Theres a part of me that is crying from the pain of that work, and then this other part of me that is deeply, intensely thankful for the work that He is doing. Its definitely not over, and I don't even know if I can say that I can say that the worst is over, but the first shock of pain is over. It kind of feels like I'm at that point in a heart transplant where the previous "bad" heart is about to be replaced with a new, "good" heart, but it hasn't quite been put in yet. I'm hoping that it will be soon.
I keep going back to those verses in Ezekiel 11 when the Lord is talking about bringing back His people Israel from where Hes scattered them, and the work He will do in their hearts
"And when they come there, they will remove from it [Israel] all its detestable things and all its abominations. And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh that they may walk in my statues and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God." 11:18-20
What a promise! He removes the heart that doesn't belong and gives us the heart He originally intended us to have that we traded for something evil. He takes us back as His people, and claims us as His own. Amazing.
So this is where I'm at. If you're in the same boat as me, where you're feeling the Lord work some things in your life that are not so comfortable, know that we have a promise. He's not done yet. And when He is, we will see Him more clearly, serve Him more purely, and worship Him more earnestly.
Frankly, there have been many times where I have been tempted to blog thoughts and things, and then just realized that these "thoughts" are really more along the lines of rants. They would be the angry, frustrated product of someone who should really just journal, read her Bible, and talk to Jesus about things first. (Please know, I'm not trying to shut you out my life - I'm trying to be more prudent in what I say, especially when what I have to say is probably not true or uplifting for anyone to read.)
So here I am, on Christmas break, trying to sort through a couple months worth of thoughts, experiences, memories. To be perfectly honest, the last couple months have been...how shall we say......very rough. Emotionally, relationally, spiritually. There has been some painful situations to walk through over these months, but even more painful than the situation is seeing my reaction to that situation. I never cease to be amazed when the Lord reveals to me the utter depravity of my own heart, the depth of the sin and wickedness that happens there. The Lord is doing a major work.
And its not like the He wasn't doing a work before, but this one is different. Its deeper. Some very deeply rooted sins are being exposed, and feel like they are being ripped out. Its excruciatingly painful. And in some ways I knew what I was in for - I gave the Lord permission to do what needed to be done to work on these areas. I guess I underestimated how painful that work was going to be! (Side note: Prayers for things like humility and for the Lord to "do what is necessary to deal with X" - these prayers are dangerous! Know that the Lord will hear and will answer swiftly! Pray at your own risk!)
Theres a part of me that is crying from the pain of that work, and then this other part of me that is deeply, intensely thankful for the work that He is doing. Its definitely not over, and I don't even know if I can say that I can say that the worst is over, but the first shock of pain is over. It kind of feels like I'm at that point in a heart transplant where the previous "bad" heart is about to be replaced with a new, "good" heart, but it hasn't quite been put in yet. I'm hoping that it will be soon.
I keep going back to those verses in Ezekiel 11 when the Lord is talking about bringing back His people Israel from where Hes scattered them, and the work He will do in their hearts
"And when they come there, they will remove from it [Israel] all its detestable things and all its abominations. And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh that they may walk in my statues and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God." 11:18-20
What a promise! He removes the heart that doesn't belong and gives us the heart He originally intended us to have that we traded for something evil. He takes us back as His people, and claims us as His own. Amazing.
So this is where I'm at. If you're in the same boat as me, where you're feeling the Lord work some things in your life that are not so comfortable, know that we have a promise. He's not done yet. And when He is, we will see Him more clearly, serve Him more purely, and worship Him more earnestly.
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