Keep

I'm drinking coffee, getting ready to go to a New Years Party.

and I'm thinking back over 2011...

I know I say the word 'wow' a lot, but WOW. So much has happened. Let me rephrase that: The LORD has accomplished so much. In me, through me, in spite of me...

I think "my" biggest "accomplishment" for 2011 is the work the Lord has begun in my heart. It started with breakthrough and ended with ....well, except for the fact that it hasn't ended. It hasn't been accomplished. YET.
I remember a year ago asking the Lord for one word that should define 2011. His answer?

KEEP

Keep seeking
Keep reaching
Keep pressing in
Don't give up
Press ON

Its been a good word. I don't want to throw it away just because I'm hitting 2012. As Paul says in Philippians 3:15 that those of us who are mature should think this way: that we press on and strain toward what is ahead for that prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I've realized that I basically need to give up on thinking of myself as mature. The Lord has clearly shown me that there was so much pride in my thinking that way when every step has been by His grace. (When I say that, I mean either by His grace directly, or by His grace in giving me/growing me in self-discipline)
He is good. His lessons might be hard, His discipline might be painful, but I'm standing in awe at His work. I'm asking for more of Jesus, and less of Gwen in 2012. I'm excited to see what He has in store....truly.

Heart Transplant

So I'm a bad blogger.... sorry about that.

Frankly, there have been many times where I have been tempted to blog thoughts and things, and then just realized that these "thoughts" are really more along the lines of rants. They would be the angry, frustrated product of someone who should really just journal, read her Bible, and talk to Jesus about things first. (Please know, I'm not trying to shut you out my life - I'm trying to be more prudent in what I say, especially when what I have to say is probably not true or uplifting for anyone to read.)

So here I am, on Christmas break, trying to sort through a couple months worth of thoughts, experiences, memories. To be perfectly honest, the last couple months have been...how shall we say......very rough. Emotionally, relationally, spiritually. There has been some painful situations to walk through over these months, but even more painful than the situation is seeing my reaction to that situation. I never cease to be amazed when the Lord reveals to me the utter depravity of my own heart, the depth of the sin and wickedness that happens there. The Lord is doing a major work.

And its not like the He wasn't doing a work before, but this one is different. Its deeper. Some very deeply rooted sins are being exposed, and feel like they are being ripped out. Its excruciatingly painful. And in some ways I knew what I was in for - I gave the Lord permission to do what needed to be done to work on these areas. I guess I underestimated how painful that work was going to be! (Side note: Prayers for things like humility and for the Lord to "do what is necessary to deal with X" - these prayers are dangerous! Know that the Lord will hear and will answer swiftly! Pray at your own risk!)

Theres a part of me that is crying from the pain of that work, and then this other part of me that is deeply, intensely thankful for the work that He is doing. Its definitely not over, and I don't even know if I can say that I can say that the worst is over, but the first shock of pain is over. It kind of feels like I'm at that point in a heart transplant where the previous "bad" heart is about to be replaced with a new, "good" heart, but it hasn't quite been put in yet. I'm hoping that it will be soon.

I keep going back to those verses in Ezekiel 11 when the Lord is talking about bringing back His people Israel from where Hes scattered them, and the work He will do in their hearts

"And when they come there, they will remove from it [Israel] all its detestable things and all its abominations. And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh that they may walk in my statues and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God." 11:18-20

What a promise! He removes the heart that doesn't belong and gives us the heart He originally intended us to have that we traded for something evil. He takes us back as His people, and claims us as His own. Amazing.

So this is where I'm at. If you're in the same boat as me, where you're feeling the Lord work some things in your life that are not so comfortable, know that we have a promise. He's not done yet. And when He is, we will see Him more clearly, serve Him more purely, and worship Him more earnestly.

Life as of late

Wow does time fly by! I can't believe that Thanksgiving is just a couple weeks away... sadly I won't be going back to Colorado until Christmas, but I do have a couple days off, which is nice :)

Life has been crazy as of late. The last couple of weeks, the LWB company has been in Israel on a missions trip, and some of us trainees had the responsibility of running/teaching at the LWB school while they were gone, doing 2 performan

ces, and also trying to set these pieces of choreography on each other, with the goal of that getting done before they returned. All in addition to regular classes (we had guest teachers come - such a huge blessing!), and a semi-regular work schedule (ie, when we weren't teaching, we were working at our regular "day" job). So it was all slightly crazy. Very much a test in trusting the Lord with all of these things.

There were some highlights (like this lady possibly getting saved at one of the performances!?) and low(ish)lights (like turning into this selfish horrible person when I realized that my piece of choreography needed some major work, and trying to fight for time to rehearse, which was extremely limited - frustrating), but overall, things are beginning to calm down. Praise the Lord!

In the midst of all this, I've been thinking/reading a lot on the whole idea of being conformed to the image of Christ, being transformed as we look upon His glory. I always have a little bit of an inward battle with that, the whole letting the Holy Spirit work vs. taking responsibility/being disciplined to form good habits. Trying to trust the Lord with that one too. My pastor actually preached a sermon on the Fruit of the Spirit today which was really good; the main point he kept hitting on was being fully dependent on the Holy Spirit to lead us in every part of our lives. It was really what I needed to hear, that reminder that He is the one who will bring it to completion. For those of us who fall into legalism so quickly, it is such a relief to remember that.

Anyways, still here, still clinging to His grace, still being transformed and conformed as I wait on the Lord. Not super easy (ha, not easy at all!) but I wouldn't have it any other way. More of You, Jesus....

Uncertain

Death puts things in perspective.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to get to talk to some teenage girls about my missionstrip to Peru with LWB - the point I was trying to make was that it wasn't what you have or don't have, its what you do with it, and its your attitude toward what the Lord has given you. About 45 minutes before I was supposed to leave to give this talk, I got news that a girl I went to high school with had gotten killed in a car accident. Obviously, I was shocked....it was all so sudden.
Steph was a beautiful, sweet girl with an unforgettable smile who really loved Jesus. As sudden as it all is, I am so excited for her that she is getting to see Jesus right now! But in the mean time, my first response is to hope and to pray that since life is short, and uncertain, that I am not going waste my life, the time I've been given.
The other day I was reading Romans 1 and in verse 21 it talks about how mankind has not honored God as God and instead become futile in our thinking....I ended up looking up the definition of the word futile and learned that it means "serving no useful purpose, ineffective, occupied with trifles." I think one of the biggest issues for Christianity today is the fact that rather than spending our time and energy looking for ways to glorify the Lord, we waste it. We waste our time, we waste our energy on things that will have no impact on the kingdom of God. I don't want to get to the end wishing there had been more time.... I'd feel content that I'd done what the Lord had asked me to do.

So, cliche as it is to say "what if today was your last day" its a question that we should be asking ourselves seriously. Are you ready? Life is uncertain.....don't waste it.

I dreamed a dream.....

So I have dreams.
Like weird dreams. (This is the part where you say: doesn't everyone?)
But apparently dreaming can sometimes be an extension of the spiritual gift of prophecy, interestingly enough.

I recently talked to someone who has a lot of insight into this area, who believes I have this gift. There are times I wake up and get a feeling that a dream has meaning....there have only been a couple of times when I know what that meaning is though. I'm reading a few different books on the topic - interesting stuff. Some of it is a *little* hard for me to swallow, but I'm trying to be open minded, and at the same time measure up these teachings with what I know from the Bible.... There is so much I don't know. I think the older I get, the more I realize that fact.

Both cool and weird....our minds are so creative and or crazy. I do like dreaming though, I am happy to be dreaming again. Whether or not a dream has meaning, they sure are entertaining!

Back to the grind

Its that time of year - time to put the pedal to the metal, bury your head in the books, and get my mind and body back in shape for another season at Light of the World Ballet...

My goal(s) for this year: Perseverance/Discipline.
We had orientation yesterday and we were instructed to ask the Lord for vision for this next year and come up with a few goals. Perseverance and discipline seem to be a theme in my life right now in so many areas: in learning to love others, in being careful with my words (thats a big one), in my dancing (haha.....yeah...), in my seeking out the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I am all about grace (really!), but at this point in my life, I have seen that these are definitely a

reas that need growth. Desperately.

Here's my inspiration:

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." Gal. 6:9-10

I grow weary so quickly, and lose joy for something even more quickly it seems, but I trust the LORD and His promises - and HE is faithful. I am so thankful that He is here with me in this journey to gain more discpline and perseverance on this road called life. And it is a JOYFUL journey, if I choose it to be (and I DO choose it Lord!)....

So thats my vision for this year. I really am praying that this is a season of much growth, and much fruit, and Gwen having a good attitude in all things :)

Joy

I have had so much joy recently.
Why?
Good question.
Maybe its been the reaffirmation of the Lord that He's got me right where He wants me (which is an AWESOME thing!).

Maybe its been experiencing His incredible mercy and grace in this whole job situation: being able to come before Him with nothing to say for myself except "I repent, please forgive" and seeing Him not only forgive, but give me a second chance with the kind of job I have always wanted...WOW

Maybe its the week and a half of vacation in various places in America and Canada, getting rest (sometimes haha) and being encouraged by sweet friends in my walk with my Savior...

Maybe its been listening to Him, and learning to really treasure Him for who He is....

But there is nothing like His joy. I had never really believe that is was true that "His commands are not burdensome," but the more I come to know Him, the truer I find it to be. This is only a joy that He could give...Thank you Jesus!

"Slumber" and Piper

So, I got a job. Awesome story of the Lord's faithfulness and incredible mercy and grace....however that is not what I'm writing about today.

I am reading the book "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper....it is SO good. I have not really read much of Piper's stuff until recently, but it is so right on theologically, as well as also easy to read and understand. Anyway, its been a really good read as I've been thinking/praying a lot for this next year - remembering what is important: Resolving to know nothing but Christ, and Him crucified. (1 Cor. 2:2) I know that I can easily fall into the habit of just reading and not understanding (or remembering you once understood, but have since forgotten!) what something like "I am crucified with Christ means" but it is an excellent reminder of going through and explaining what that exactly means. I guess I would say its good for refocusing your faith - THIS is what its about, Christ and Him crucified. THIS is what I boast (delight, glory, rejoice) in. THIS and nothing else. (For further reading see Gal. 2:20, Gal. 6:14, Acts 20:24, 1 Cor. 1:18-2:2)

Anyway, on a slightly related note, this is my new favorite song by Needtobreathe. It is kind of along the same lines of "Don't Waste Your Life..." Love it! Happy Friday everyone :)

Rain and Food

No real point to this blog today. I am sitting here on my front porch, waiting for my baked mac n' cheese to come out of the oven. Rain always makes me want to stay in my sweatpants all day, just read a book, talk to Jesus, watch movies, and cook/bake.

I am not a good cook. I try. Really I do. But somehow, I always end up missing some vital step or some important ingredient. Case in point: today, with the mac and cheese.

For the sauce I melted the butter, added the flour and proceeded to dump in 2 cups of shredded cheese. The result? A nasty congealed mass of something that used to be cheese, but now just looked like a lump of yellow. It was disgusting. Then, following the directions I added the cooked pasta and attempted to mix it all together. Major fail. Pasta + congealed lump = enemies. It would not mix. In frustration I threw it all in the baking dish and tossed it in the oven, hoping beyond hope that somehow, someway, in the oven it would make itself right (ha).

Go back and look at directions.
Milk.
I didn't put any in.
Then you have that "oooohhhhh" moment which translated, means "Wow, I can't believe I forgot to put something like milk in mac and cheese." Thats like forgetting to put chocolate on a s'more - you just don't do that.

So, I raced back over to the oven, threw it all on the stove and worked some milk into it. Ah. NOW it resembles something more like creamy, beautiful mac 'n' cheese.

The sad thing is I have made this mistake before - forgotten to put milk in the mac and cheese. Except that last time I was making the Kraft kind out of box. Fail.

We'll see. Maybe I just need to move to London or Seattle where I will be inspired to cook all the time, so that I can practice my skills.
Meh. I will always have my good friend Wendy I can go to when my cooking experiments don't turn out so well...

Start Over

Today I got fired.

There is so much to say in that tiny statement. I won't go into detail, but I acted out in an uncharacteristic way with no excuses. I was angry, but that is also no excuse. This is one of those times when you realize the gravity of one small action; one moment of not being in control and thats it. There is no excuse for what I did, and it was right for me to be fired. I am still shocked and saddened over this turn of events (and even more shocked at myself that I could do something like that), but this job was truly the Lord's, He gave it to me, and it was His to allow to be taken away.

"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

Its kind of amazing how the Lord has already taught me so much through this....and it hasn't even been a full day. After my manager had sent me home initially, I came home and cried for about an hour. I repented, both for my action and for my heart attitude, and apologized for hurting Him. And the amazing thing? He forgave. I'm reminded of the verse that says that the man who is forgiven much, loves much. There was again a moment of awe as I marveled in such grace....I for sure don't deserve it. I don't know if you can appreciate grace to your fullest extent unless you can first see just how badly you can screw up.

Another thing I realized this morning is the fact that when the Lord promises to restore and redeem, He doesn't just mean the things that He "screwed up" in our lives. He also wants to redeem the things that we ourselves have screwed up in our own lives. Yes, there is discipline, and boy does it hurt, but it brings about something beautiful: growth. A further and deeper reliance on Him and on His grace.

This morning I was reading in 2 Corinthians 1 where it says
"Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again."

He is my Deliverer. He has delivered, and He will deliver. In all things He is good (in HIS definition of goodness).

To be honest, if there's ever a good way to get fired, this was it. Both the person involved and my manager forgave me, and my manager basically said that she wished she didn't have to do it. So, I left on pretty good terms, all things considered.

So here I am. Jobless. Unemployed. Lots of time on my hands to think, pray, and job hunt. But He is good. Even in this. In YOU my heart will trust...

Undivided heart

I've been noticing a trend in my journal lately.

At then end of many recent entries, there has been a prayer. "Lord, teach my heart ____." That blank could be filled in with words like humility, selflessness, to be joyful, generosity...

I guess I've been recently re-awakened to the fact that my heart is deceitful and desperately sick, and needs to be taught. Another thing that has stood out to me is the fact that hearts, especially mine, are easily distracted and divided in terms of purpose and focus.

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to Your word. With my whole heart I seek You; let me not wander from Your commandments. I have stored up Your word in my heart that I might not sin against You. Ps. 119:-11

So then I started looking up other verses on the heart, especially ones that talk about a whole or undivided heart...

"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart..." Ps. 9:1
"Let the hearts of those who seeks the Lord rejoice!" Ps. 105:2
"Thus you shall do in the fear of the Lord, in faithfulness and with your whole heart." 2 Chron. 19:9
"Teach me Your way, O Lord, that I may walk in Your truth; unite my heart that I may fear Your name. I give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify Your name forever." Ps. 86:11-12

I guess I just keep seeing the point that the heart that is whole in purpose, desire, and focus will be the heart that most clearly sees the face of the Lord, and best hears His voice. Not to mention that that is the heart that will be quickest to obey and receive blessings from obedience.

For my heart that has spiritual ADD, this could be a challenge! O Lord, teach my heart.

..

Thirsty

Ever feel like your life is moving nowhere fast?

This is me right now. Maybe its the fact that I am actually getting to rest for the first time since Christmas I think? And I am realizing that, whoa, I really am tired. I knew I was tired but not *that* tired.

Maybe thats it.

Or...

I have also felt so dry recently. Like the dryness of Colorado is sucking any moisture out of my skin, this life and its crap is sucking any peace, joy, or purpose out of life. The easy answer? Jesus! He's always the answer. this is truth. I have probably known that "Jesus is the answer" from the time I was 3.
But recently I have been craving the Holy Spirit's work in my life. Not a trick, not some amazing earth-shattering vision or revelation, but just getting to see the evidence of His work in me, His voice speaking to me, and His love controlling my life. I find myself looking at other Christians whose motto could be 'all Jesus, all the time'-- and while I definitely believe that for my own life, I see a definite difference between the way that they interact with the Lord, and the way that I do.

I just think I need a fresh revelation. And maybe that's what this slow summer, complete with no trip to Japan, no exciting trip anywhere fun/important, will provide.
I just want to hear His voice.
I just want to be in His presence, and recognize that fact by the fact that I see Him moving and working.


Is that too much to ask?

Devotions/thoughts

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Eph. 3:14-19

Read this this morning and decided to head to Studylight.org to look up some background stuff-- here's some interesting stuff I found.

Comprehend "katalamba/nw"
1. to lay hold of
a. to lay hold of so as to make one's own, to obtain, attain to, make one's own, to take into one's self, appropriate
b. to seize upon, take possession of

Know "ginosko"
1. to learn to know, come to know, get a knowledge of, perceive, feel
a. to become known
2. to know, understand, perceive, have a knowledge of
3. A Jewish idiom for sexual intercourse between a man and a woman
4. to become acquainted with, to know

In English, I think we tend to treat know and comprehend as almost the same word, so I thought it was interesting that the Greek has such different meanings....that we are not only called to know and understand in an intimate way (and be known by it), but also to take a hold of it and make it our own....

Faithful!

Recently things have been a bit crazy....been working on our ballet Living Hope for the month of May, had the choreographer come and work on it with us, held 2 different auditions for the trainee program, and also had several performances mixed in there. And of course, work, and I also fit in a weekend in NYC with my family on top of things.

So now the school year is drawing to a close, and one of our end of the year projects was writing this sermon. The topic: Psalm 23. For the record, writing that sermon was ridiculously hard. So much work goes into those things. First the research/observation section; researching when/under what circumstances it was written, the reason (implied or stated), who wrote it, why he wrote it, what time of year was it written, etc. on and on.... And then Interpreting that and then the application. Can you say hours and hours of work? And of course, we are also trying to rehearse, do costumes/props, and also go to my other job. Needless to say, its been a lot.

So, its kind of ironic that our sermon is on the topic of Psalm 23, where the whole idea has to do with the Lord's provision and grace.

Its also been incredibly ironic considering that this sermon had bad timing in some ways....I'm incredibly stressed out while trying to write this sermon thats talking about depending on the Lord.

Anyway, enough about me. The fact is that the Lord is faithful. The other day my roommate and I were getting ridiculously worked up over the fact that there is not enough time and then stopped and prayed. I specifically prayed that we could go home from work early, or have grace if we needed to stay late. So friday night, we both worked later than we thought we would. But there was grace. And now, Saturday night.....we both got out early. Like ridiculously early. When Cayla texted me telling me she was done, I couldn't believe it. It was so out of the blue. And then when I got home slightly after 8:30 (which is a small miracle in my world), it was like wow, only the Lord.

So this is just a testimony to the Lord's faithfulness. i could write a lot about Psalm 23 (just ask me to give that sermon sometime! ok not really, but I'll let you look at the outline!), but the fact of the matter is that the Lord already knows what we need and is FAITHFUL to provide. Again and again....Thank you Lord.....

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness. The LORD is my portion says my soul, therefore i will hope in Him." ~Lamentations 3:22-24

Oh and one more thing! I saw a sunset tonight for the first time in forever. I'm always at work and running around and never get to see the sun go down....and man was it gorgeous. A blaze of peach, pink, and orange. Wow. I kind of can't get over how amazing my Lord is!

What a wonderful maker
what a wonderful savior
how majestic your whispers
how humble Your love
with a strength like no other
and the heart of a Father
how majestic Your whispers,
what a wonderful God....

God is my victory

this was the product of an hour or so by myself on a day I really needed some Jesus time. I did it really quick, and its by no means a masterpiece, but rather a creative expression of my thoughts/time with the Lord. Life is stressful and life is hard, but He is my rock!

Our God is in Control

I love seeing the Lord come through for people.

I recently danced at a conference on healing, which led to a long (but good discussion) on healing - why we sometimes don't see it in our lives. So many different theories; whether its a lack of faith on our part, or has to do with timing (ie, it is His will for us to be healed in this life, but there could be something hindering it, or its going to happen at a differnt point in our lives), or that maybe, for some, the physical healing isn't going to happen until we reach heaven.

I see evidence for most of these theories in Scripture, which kind of makes me think that it must be different for each person and situation. All of this to say, that when I see the Lord come through and do a work in a person's heart because of/as a result of an injury, I can't help but rejoice. I have seen over and over how faithful my God is by using physical issues to refine our character. And thats what I think healing comes down to - how the Lord can best receive glory from the situation. For some, He will receive more glory by healing that person. For others, He will receive the most glory from working in the persons life despite the injury and letting that become a testimony of His faithfulness.

Praise God that He knows best for us. I may not (ok, definitely don't!) see the big picture here with my injury(ies), but I know that I know that I know that He has good things in store, for this life, and the life to come, which is way more important than this life anyway. He is still in control, and that is a good thing.

Work

No real point to this blog today, just have to spil my thoughts. Warning: vent ahead.

I am so frustrated with work. I have been serving (yes! they are letting me serve a lot now! So happy about that!) a lot lately. Like a lot a lot. And they've been having me close a lot too, which is great for money - not so much for sleep. I am grateful for the hours, and grateful for the money. I truly truly am. And I am grateful for another chance to trust Jesus with ALL my needs, including my physical ones. But its been really rough. If it were all I were doing, I'd say bring it on, but with dance, its been pretty intense.

I'm just trying to find a balance between saying, 'ok, its a lot, but I'll push a little harder and it will be fine' and 'I'm pretty sure that this is my limit.' I just don't want to walk in to work hating it, and I want to be able to go in there with joy and knowing that I'm serving the Lord at Ruby Tuesday. And I certainly can do that with less sleep - but I must admit it is much much much easier when I am getting a decent amount of sleep and getting out of work before 11:30 on a week night, or 1am on a weekend. I wish my spiritual strength was not as tied as it is to my physical strength, but sadly they do affect each other....

Not sure what the Lord would have me do here, if I should ask for another day off (I have sundays off now, but work every other day) or do something else. Even Sunday feels stressful sometimes, because I have so much I want to/have to fit in to it. I know that this is not the way it should be....but maybe this is just a busy season in which I need to rely on the Lord more heavily? Hmm....still praying through that one.

Redeem

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter: he utters his voice, the earth melts. The Lord of hosts is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress

So writes the psalmist in Psalm 46.

When I was first told of the earthquake in Japan, I kind of assumed that it wasn't a big deal. They are an island nation after all, and earthquakes happen frequently....
but this one was a big deal.

Obviously Japan is very close to my heart because of the time that I've spent there. It just seems so interesting to me that a place like Japan, with all its technology, ambition, and discipline, could be hurt so badly by this. My God is still sovereign over all, but when I see this, I can't help but wonder what He is doing. And I can't help but hope that His purposes will remain, and draw many to Himself through this... maybe this is His way of turning the hearts of the Japanese back to Himself. Oh Lord, that you would redeem this....

This week I've been especially noticing all the brokenness in our world today. Especially broken in the sense of, this is not how things were meant to be. We may live here for now, but this is not our reality. Maybe thats why situations like this make me long even more for a city that cannot be shaken. A government that cannot be corrupted. A people with a unity and purity of purpose.

Its interesting to see the timing of all this - happening right before my trip to Peru with LWB. The last country I went to on a missions trip is being damaged as I'm going to share the gospel in a different country. I'm pretty sure the Lord did this on purpose, but at this point I don't understand why.

And at this point I don't have any answers, except for the fact that although the Lord is allowing all this brokenness and turmoil in Japan and in this world, He has a purpose for it and can redeem it. He is a master at taking the broken and using the exact thing that broke it to make it beautiful.

He has made everything beautiful in its time...
Come Lord. Hosanna - come and save us now

Serve?

So guess who started training to serve at Ruby Tuesday? Yup, you guessed it. Its been interesting - both of my training days have not gone as planned, but thats another story for another day.

Serve.
I always thought of the word as a "Christianese" word, but now working in a restaurant kind of puts a new spin on it. That is what I will now be paid to do - serve others. Interesting thought. Even more interesting is that a lot of the people I work with may be servers in title, but the attitude says otherwise. (Sorry if anyone from work is reading this, I'm just being honest). Which got me thinking - I guess this is why we pray for "servant's hearts." To do the action along with having the attitude behind it.

What I'm really hoping is not going to happen is that serving at Ruby Tuesday will not just become something that I'm paid to do 5+ nights per week...that it would be attitude that I take on daily. Not just with customers, but with co-workers, family (that one is probably hardest...), roommates, friends. Not begrudging anything to anyone, but being willing to not look only to my own interests but also to the interests of others....having the same mind as that of the Lord, who made himself a servant....

Anyways, just thoughts.

Ask of God...

Saw this on a blog called Arguing with Angels (Arguing With angels ) and really liked it. A guy at my church writes the blog and also made the graphic, so none of this is mine, for the record. But, it is still really good :)

Love it. And Amen.

Be Exalted Above...

Worship. I've been learning a lot about it.

Have you ever walked into church feeling burdened down by everything thats happened the past week, not so sure tha you can really praise the Lord that day? You start singing the songs, and are especially drawn to the ones that talk about how you are feeling....and then you're not so into singing "How Great is Our God" because its just all about praising the Lord, with no regard to how you're doing?

Story of my life.
But recently, the Lord has been showing me and challenging me with this idea that if I am not willing to lay aside my problems aside to FOCUS on Hiim, then in a way, I am worshipping my problems. By putting them on the same level as the glory and greatness of my Lord, I am giving my problems and circumstances a pedastal that they do not deserve.

I just finished reading through the Psalms in about 3 days (and yes, that was a lot!), and a lot of the Psalms that stood out to me where the Psalmist would stop and praise the Lord in the middle of a bunch of his complaints. Wow.

Obviously the point of worship of the Lord is to magnify Him and bless His name...but how often do we come to worship to do that? Maybe if we had a good week, not so much if our week was not the best. The point is that His name is worth glorifying each week. Each day. Hour. Minute. Second. You get the picture.

I know I've written about this before, but there is nothing in our lives so great that it deserves more precedence than the Lord. Can I get an amen?

Jesus be exalted above my worries
Be exalted above my fears
Be exalted above my problems
Be exalted above my feelings
Be exalted above my circumstances
Be exalted in my life...

Boundless Love

Last night I went to prison. But just for a few hours.

I actually had the opportunity (through Light of the World Ballet) to dance at a women's prison facility. This was my first time ever being in a prison. I don't think I really knew what to expect, but I soon discovered it was kind of like the movies. Lots of cement, heavy, loud doors, police officers. Not gonna lie, it was pretty intimidating. Our contact here was Deputy Eagan, a kind woman who has been there for 30+ years, and said that she considers it her mission field!

And then we started to unload, and anything that could have possibly went wrong, went wrong. First there was figuring out where to do quick change (our dressing room was in a different part of the facility, and we had to get escorted there), and then we realized we had forgotten a couple of key costume pieces. Then the floor got laid, but ended up having some major wrinkles in it... and then we got to dancing.

The dancing part went pretty well. We did Alive, and Digee Dime, a couple of more fun, upbeat dances to start out with - the women liked those :) And then we started the Crown. I wasn't sure how they were going to respond, because its definitely ballet, even though it tells a story. (This was one of those moments where you trust God and say - well, this is all we got - use it!) And an amazing thing happened. The women, who were already attentive before, got pretty caught up in the story. I even saw a couple of inmates watching from the inside of their cells (most of them were allowed out and were sitting in chairs). At the end, we did Hail to the King, and I saw several women wiping tears from their eyes....Elisa told me later that in the middle of the dance, she had seen one woman watching from the inside of her cell, and then go kneel at the foot of her bed, her hands clasped in front of her, crying out to God. Oh man, the Spirit of God was at work!

Ashley had already given a salvation message, and we wanted to finish with Healing Hands, this dance (basically arm motions) that we lead people in doing at the end of most of our performances. I always love doing it, but last night it had special significance - part of the lyrics say "no matter where I am, healing is in Your hands." Wow, how profound is that when you're in prison! My favorite, favorite part was seeing some of the inmates doing the dance with us from behind bars in their rooms. WOW. I again saw many women in tears after that.....

Jesus, your love knows no bounds.....

I am still praying that these women would come to know the love of Jesus. Lord continue the work you have begun in them....refresh, restore, redeem.

So last night I was in prison. And I can't wait to go back :)