Deo Volente

What do you think of when you think of knowing the will of God? Or listening to His voice (particularly if you want guidance on a decision, an answer)?

Do you think of sitting in your room with a Bible and a notebook?
A feeling that comes to you?
A message in the sky?

This is what I have been learning about in the last couple weeks.

Yes, I got accepted as a trainee, but that didn't mean I would just take it. Especially at first, I felt very very unsure and apprehensive about accepting it. And naturally, these misgiving made me take a step back to see, "hey, is this really what you want me to do Lord?" And thus it began...

I began searching, seeking, trying to listen, trying to hear from the Lord. A sign, a feeling, what others were telling me, what the Bible seemed to be saying... anything that seemed to point me in a direction.
The outcome of all this? wel...

Sign: Nope. Not any that I saw anyway...
Feeling: I felt frustrated that I wasn't hearing anything....so that wasn't helpful...
Others: well, they all seem to be telling me different things....especially different things about trying to hear God's voice and know His will....
Bible: I guess good, but there is no verse in the Bible that says "Gwen-jo, thou shalt move to NY"

So on Wednesday, I decided to spend the day at home, and spend the day with the Lord. It started out good--alternately reading the Bible, journaling, listening to music....which was great and all...except for the fact that I wasn't seeming to hear anything. By the end of the day, I was angry and frustrated, crying out to God for something, ANYTHING. By the end of the day, I was pretty sure that I was spiritually deaf.

The next day, I had a good long talk with my dad. He presented this scenario: what if God was using circumstances to guide me here? As in, I get accepted, it seems to fit along with what my passions/giftings are, so isn't that the Lord opening a door right there? It seemed like such a novel concept. The Lord guiding us into His will via circumstances? Who woulda' thunk it.

Another epiphany I had was this: do I seek an answer from the Lord more than the Lord himself? Am I not trusting in His character that He has the answer and knows my future and its all good, even if He chooses not to reveal it to me? If I had been truly leaning on Him in this, there would have been less anger and frustration in the silence, and more sweet rest in knowing that He is good.

All that leaves me with is Deo Volente: the Lord willing. I will be going, Lord willing. So unless I start having a bad feeling about going, or every door to getting out there seems to be shut. It is in the Lord's hands, but for now, this is the plan. I will rest and trust in that.