^^ My new pink hair :)

"If I can easily discuss the shortcomings and the sings of any; if I can speak in a casual way even of a child's misdoings, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I deal with wrong for any other reason than that implied in the words, 'from His right hand went a fiery law for them. Yea, He loved the people;' if I can rebuke without a pang, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I hold on to choices of any kind, just because they are my choice; if I give room to my private likes and dislikes, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

-Amy Carmichael, If

The other day, I dyed the bottom part of my hair pink, as shown in the picture. Before actually doing my hair, I researched it a lot on the internet to get ideas, etc. I didn't realize there are so many people out there who always do their hair this way. Some of them are emo, scene kids, goth, etc., but some of them are just "normal" people who enjoy doing fun things to their hair.

While looking at their pictures and reading their feedback, I couldn't help but think of all the homeschoolers I teach ad how appalled they (or more likely- their parents) would be at these pierced, rainbow-haired people. I started to get indignant, angry at the conservative crowd for the way that many of them shy away from people who look that way. They wouldn't let their kids near someone like that.

Then it hit me.

In the same way some of the conservative folk judge those kind of people, I judge those same conservatives. Obviously, we judge based on different things (they judge based on appearance and fear, I judge based on attitude and assumption). But the pride that they may be judging those people with is the very same pride that is in my own heart...

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." Matt. 7:3-5

Lord give me your heart, your love for people. Help me to see them the way you see them...I don't want to be one who judges or has prejudices against any group of people - whether they be conservative, liberal, rich, poor, skater kids, emo, gay/lesbian, black, Hispanic...

I want to see these people the way the Lord sees them - as lost, broken, and dying people who are searching for something that can only be found in Him. I want to approach them with neither a spirit of fear, nor a spirit of criticism, but with the understanding that we are all broken people, only saved by the grace of God. And a big part of why I was saved was so that I could be a light to them....

Who knew one could learn these things from simply changing the color of one's hair?

contentment

I have come to a realization: I am content.

Once upon a time, for a very long while, I was not content with what the Lord had for me. I was like one of those little kids who sees something across the street and is determined to get there no matter what, because he wants it. (This scenario can only lead to a struggle with mom or dad and anger and tears on the part of the child because they can't get to what they want, and they don't understand why not.)

After (once again) coming to a place of complete surrender, I am content and excited for the plans that the Lord has for my life. In turn, that makes me able to be happy for those who are in the place where I thought I would be be....don't we all have friends like that? Their lives look like how we thought ours would turn out, but didn't. Well, speaking from experience, I can tell you that after you accept and take joy in the Lord's goodness in His will, then you are able to rest in that and not long after another's destiny. Such rest there is in being content...



For the Lord is GOOD, his love endures forever, His faithfulness to all generations...



The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
as long as life endures...

Deo Volente

What do you think of when you think of knowing the will of God? Or listening to His voice (particularly if you want guidance on a decision, an answer)?

Do you think of sitting in your room with a Bible and a notebook?
A feeling that comes to you?
A message in the sky?

This is what I have been learning about in the last couple weeks.

Yes, I got accepted as a trainee, but that didn't mean I would just take it. Especially at first, I felt very very unsure and apprehensive about accepting it. And naturally, these misgiving made me take a step back to see, "hey, is this really what you want me to do Lord?" And thus it began...

I began searching, seeking, trying to listen, trying to hear from the Lord. A sign, a feeling, what others were telling me, what the Bible seemed to be saying... anything that seemed to point me in a direction.
The outcome of all this? wel...

Sign: Nope. Not any that I saw anyway...
Feeling: I felt frustrated that I wasn't hearing anything....so that wasn't helpful...
Others: well, they all seem to be telling me different things....especially different things about trying to hear God's voice and know His will....
Bible: I guess good, but there is no verse in the Bible that says "Gwen-jo, thou shalt move to NY"

So on Wednesday, I decided to spend the day at home, and spend the day with the Lord. It started out good--alternately reading the Bible, journaling, listening to music....which was great and all...except for the fact that I wasn't seeming to hear anything. By the end of the day, I was angry and frustrated, crying out to God for something, ANYTHING. By the end of the day, I was pretty sure that I was spiritually deaf.

The next day, I had a good long talk with my dad. He presented this scenario: what if God was using circumstances to guide me here? As in, I get accepted, it seems to fit along with what my passions/giftings are, so isn't that the Lord opening a door right there? It seemed like such a novel concept. The Lord guiding us into His will via circumstances? Who woulda' thunk it.

Another epiphany I had was this: do I seek an answer from the Lord more than the Lord himself? Am I not trusting in His character that He has the answer and knows my future and its all good, even if He chooses not to reveal it to me? If I had been truly leaning on Him in this, there would have been less anger and frustration in the silence, and more sweet rest in knowing that He is good.

All that leaves me with is Deo Volente: the Lord willing. I will be going, Lord willing. So unless I start having a bad feeling about going, or every door to getting out there seems to be shut. It is in the Lord's hands, but for now, this is the plan. I will rest and trust in that.

well...

the audition.

Parts were good, parts were bad (lets put it this way--I definitely didn't dance my best on some stuff, but danced better on others? Hopefully that makes sense...)
I loved the girls I was staying with, the director (and her parents, who are a huge part of the ministry), most of the choreography....
I left the audition pretty much just looking up at the Lord and saying "well, you take it from here!" which is a good place to be.

But, the punchline is: I got it. I got offered a trainee position at Light of the World ballet for next year.

When I found out, I was surprisingly very calm... It was really an Ok Lord--you guide me and I will follow you, moment. I am very happy and excited to see what the next year brings, but it is always bittersweet to think about leaving. I don't usually anticipate these things--I just tend to deal with them as they come, live in the moment-- but this one I know I will have to think through ahead of time. New York is a long long way from Colorado. I will have to pay rent, find a job to pay the rent, be a responsible adult in every sense of the phrase. My friends and family are not nearby at all....I will move out there not really knowing anyone.... its big change. Basically moving out there by myself is going to require a big leap of faith, trusting the Lord to be my strength and my provider....

I already get sad if I think about leaving. I have so many strong relationships here in Colorado, so many memories....not to mention the fact that I will miss the state itself (every time I look at the mountains I think about how I will miss them...). [side note: I will REALLY miss Chipotle. Unfortunately they have NO Chipotle, or Chik-Fil-A in Syracuse....so not okay...] Deep breaths Gwen-jo. Good thing I have time to process through all this....

On the other hand, I am also really excited about what the Lord has in store. There is a possible missions trip to Peru pending, and Hannah Beaver from Ballet Magnificat! is coming to set a ballet on LWB that is about the persecuted church in China, which is SO cool. As you can see, I have quite the mix of emotions happening here....

Anyways, thanks for listening guys. thanks for praying as well--the Lord is faithful, and I am very blessed to have such friends standing and supporting me.