This is a dangerous thing to pray. Right up there with "Lord, make me patient" and "Lord, break me down that I may become more like you." Why do I say dangerous? Oh let me tell you.......its because these are prayers that the Lord loves to answer. These are prayers that you can pray confidently knowing that the answer will be yes. We can have that confidence because we know that all of these prayers are perfectly aligned with the heart and will of God; we know He perfectly happy to make these things come to pass in our lives.
So praying "may my heart break with the things that break the heart of God" is a very dangerous prayer indeed.
I think I first started praying this prayer about a year ago. It also happened to be around the time that I was praying for a friend of mine who was not walking with the Lord. We had many long conversations via facebook concerning the existence of God, the goodness of God, the way He chooses to speak. At times it was frustrating and seemed fruitless but God is faithful. But, more than just working in this friend's life, He began working in my life. As I began praying this prayer, God did indeed begin to answer.
And it hurt.
I got this tiny glimpse into the way God's heart breaks over us as we stray. The burden of the sadness for this friend was so heavy, almost to the point of being too much to carry....I remember crying over it a few different times. That burden mixed with the longing that this friend would come to know the Truth made me kind of a mess. Praise God that He is able to carry all of that and more, none other could bear such sadness...
Now the thing is, if I am truly striving to follow after Christ in all I do, that includes my heart breaking for what breaks His. Lord, I don't want to shy away from confusion and heartbreak and suffering....I want to rush to meet it with the the hope that you have given me so graciously...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Onward and Upward...
Today I choose joy.
I will not wallow in the mire of self-pity.
I choose to not feel sorry for myself and keep asking the "Why God?" question.
I will rest in peace in the fact that His plans for me reflect His character, that He has good things in store, perfect plans specifically chosen for my life where I can reflect and glorify Him best. Different pots for different purposes.....
I will rest in that. It begins to give me peace and I know that His perfect peace will keep me. For now, all I can do is continue to look up and keep pressing on.
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and is seated at the right hand of throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted...." Heb. 12:2-3
(If you're wondering why the sudden outburst, its because I'm reflecting on friends getting to go places and getting opportunities that I wanted. I remember in the past when I've gotten rejected and others have gotten accepted, they would all say "just trust the Lord, He must have better plans for you" and I was always like "yeah right. I would like to see you get rejected and be disappointed and then believe that"....yeah, I was kind of bitter. And some times its still a struggle to not feel sad that everyone seems to get exactly what they want and I don't, but its not true. All I have to do is look back to God---His promises, His character, His faithfulness in the past....and then its better :) )
I will not wallow in the mire of self-pity.
I choose to not feel sorry for myself and keep asking the "Why God?" question.
I will rest in peace in the fact that His plans for me reflect His character, that He has good things in store, perfect plans specifically chosen for my life where I can reflect and glorify Him best. Different pots for different purposes.....
I will rest in that. It begins to give me peace and I know that His perfect peace will keep me. For now, all I can do is continue to look up and keep pressing on.
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and is seated at the right hand of throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted...." Heb. 12:2-3
(If you're wondering why the sudden outburst, its because I'm reflecting on friends getting to go places and getting opportunities that I wanted. I remember in the past when I've gotten rejected and others have gotten accepted, they would all say "just trust the Lord, He must have better plans for you" and I was always like "yeah right. I would like to see you get rejected and be disappointed and then believe that"....yeah, I was kind of bitter. And some times its still a struggle to not feel sad that everyone seems to get exactly what they want and I don't, but its not true. All I have to do is look back to God---His promises, His character, His faithfulness in the past....and then its better :) )
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Love like a hurricane...
Today I've been contemplating the love of God. It is always a reality, but some days it just HITS you. Like the popular song "how he Loves" describes it---like His love is a hurricane, and I am but a tree....
Actually it reminds me of Japan last year. When we were in Fukuoka, there was one day where our team decided to walk to this mall about 25 minutes away. Before we left, we heard that it was supposed to rain, and brought several umbrellas with us..... Little did we know how much we would need these. Upon leaving the mall, we saw it----full-fledged rainstorm. I have never seen rain like that in my life. I think we each had an umbrella, but that didn't stop us from getting soaked. There was about 3 inches of water on the street, the rain was blowing sideways, and all the Japanese people were running for cover, as our group happily waltzed home in the rain, singing to ourselves. As we were walking home I heard that small whispering voice of the Lord saying "Gwenjo, this is my love." Wow. You couldn't escape the rain at all, no matter how you held your umbrella.....the water was above you, pooling around your feet, soaking through your clothes. And that is His love for us! Wow. It leaves me speechless....
Could we with ink the ocean fill
and were the skies of parchment made
were every stalk on earth a quill
and every man a scribe by trade;
to write the Love of God above
would drain the ocean dry
nor could the scroll contain the whole
though stretched from sky to sky...
Oh Love of God! How rich and pure
how measureless and strong
it shall forever more endure
the saints' and angels' song!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Billboard
Today in the shower, I had a thought. (What, Gwenjo thinks in the shower? yes, yes she does.) Well, a question followed by a thought technically.
Q: Why are churches so self-promoting? You see billboards by the side of the road, a poster here and there... My first thought was that it has to do with the fact that Christians themselves aren't doing it............which then begs the question---why do we promote our church anyway? Isn't that missing the whole point? Its like proclaiming the castle rather than the king itself. Sure, maybe kind of cool, but not the main attraction. Shouldn't we be promoting Jesus? Is there even a need to promote the church? I'm pretty sure that the church in Acts did not have big signs by the side of the road telling them to come to ____ church.
I want to be Jesus' billboard. Not even a billboard for my church(es) but for the Big Guy himself. You hear stories of people who walk into a grocery store, buy groceries, and randomly lead a person to Christ.....I want to be one of those people. Serving and obeying the Lord in such a joyful way that others can't help but notice and ask.......
“We must know the truth, we must love the truth we know and we must act according to the measure of our love. Truth is God himself who cannot be known apart from love and cannot be loved apart from surrender to his will.” -Thomas Merton
I have been made a part of God's family and been allowed to stay in this world that I may point others to Him. I want to be a light in this crooked and depraved generation.... Lord let me shine and reflect your light, as the moon reflects the sun....
Q: Why are churches so self-promoting? You see billboards by the side of the road, a poster here and there... My first thought was that it has to do with the fact that Christians themselves aren't doing it............which then begs the question---why do we promote our church anyway? Isn't that missing the whole point? Its like proclaiming the castle rather than the king itself. Sure, maybe kind of cool, but not the main attraction. Shouldn't we be promoting Jesus? Is there even a need to promote the church? I'm pretty sure that the church in Acts did not have big signs by the side of the road telling them to come to ____ church.
I want to be Jesus' billboard. Not even a billboard for my church(es) but for the Big Guy himself. You hear stories of people who walk into a grocery store, buy groceries, and randomly lead a person to Christ.....I want to be one of those people. Serving and obeying the Lord in such a joyful way that others can't help but notice and ask.......
“We must know the truth, we must love the truth we know and we must act according to the measure of our love. Truth is God himself who cannot be known apart from love and cannot be loved apart from surrender to his will.” -Thomas Merton
I have been made a part of God's family and been allowed to stay in this world that I may point others to Him. I want to be a light in this crooked and depraved generation.... Lord let me shine and reflect your light, as the moon reflects the sun....
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
SNOWBOARDING
Heck yes, I am excited.
I will remember today forever.....'twas the day I first met my true love, snowboarding. I had heard of him in passing, and longed to meet him, but today, this glorious day, I finally got to experience the wonderful thing he is!!!!
It was oh so wonderful. I don't even know if words can do it justice....but I will try. I must try.
I began the day with a lesson. There were 4 students in my class, none of whom had ever snowboarded or ski-ed (? how do you spell that? Skiid? Skiied? Hmm...) First we learned basic basic stuff--how to put on your snowboard, how to figure out if you're goofy-footed or regular-footed, how to make a heel-side turn, a toe-side turn....all kinds of good stuff. After we felt confident with those things, we headed up the chair lift to try out a real mountain-side. It was amazing. Not saying that I didn't fall a lot, or eat a lot of snow, but flying down on the board was oh so epic. The only slightly un-epic thing was that my "classmates" were somewhat slow on the uptake in learning some stuff.....meaning that I did spend a few minutes waiting alone at the base of the mountain by the lift....but still! So fun. Oh, the one sad part of my day was seeing my snowboard instructor slam into a pole and then limp back to the lodge to find us a new teacher......very unfortunate.
After the lesson and a bit of lunch, I decided to be brave and try the some of the greens (Green meaning for not-so-skilled ski and snowboarders but not the bunny hill). That was an adventure....I did the one that said "Zig-Zag"--dumb idea. I spent about 70% of going down the hill on my butt, but the 30% that I could actually stand up for was not too bad! I went really really fast. After that I headed back to the bunny hill (? Maybe it was a bunny hill....it still looked pretty big to me...). Then I spent the rest of the day trying to remember what teacher Grant had said; of course thats sometimes difficult while flying down a hill trying to run into other people, trees, or the big pillars for the ski lift... after a while I got my mojo back and was able to get down without wiping out until the very bottom.
I think my main issue that I'm having is 1) controlling speed 2) turning to a stop at the base of the mountain after you've picked up a lot of speed. I wiped out A LOT at the base, and each time it ended with a showering of snow that my snowboard had caught. Well, at least I go out with style....
So the day's progression is as follows: 1) I learn to snowboard 2) I feel really good, almost prodigy-like, since I am ahead of my class and can link turns 3) I try the green and feel lame and stupid 4) humbled, I go back to the basics and find that I fail at those 5) I remember what my instructor said and get to a mediocre beginner level.
Needless to say, I can't wait to go again! Yes, parts of it were frustrating, and I have many bruises, but falling is part of getting better. And getting better is what I'm interested in :)
I will remember today forever.....'twas the day I first met my true love, snowboarding. I had heard of him in passing, and longed to meet him, but today, this glorious day, I finally got to experience the wonderful thing he is!!!!
It was oh so wonderful. I don't even know if words can do it justice....but I will try. I must try.
I began the day with a lesson. There were 4 students in my class, none of whom had ever snowboarded or ski-ed (? how do you spell that? Skiid? Skiied? Hmm...) First we learned basic basic stuff--how to put on your snowboard, how to figure out if you're goofy-footed or regular-footed, how to make a heel-side turn, a toe-side turn....all kinds of good stuff. After we felt confident with those things, we headed up the chair lift to try out a real mountain-side. It was amazing. Not saying that I didn't fall a lot, or eat a lot of snow, but flying down on the board was oh so epic. The only slightly un-epic thing was that my "classmates" were somewhat slow on the uptake in learning some stuff.....meaning that I did spend a few minutes waiting alone at the base of the mountain by the lift....but still! So fun. Oh, the one sad part of my day was seeing my snowboard instructor slam into a pole and then limp back to the lodge to find us a new teacher......very unfortunate.
After the lesson and a bit of lunch, I decided to be brave and try the some of the greens (Green meaning for not-so-skilled ski and snowboarders but not the bunny hill). That was an adventure....I did the one that said "Zig-Zag"--dumb idea. I spent about 70% of going down the hill on my butt, but the 30% that I could actually stand up for was not too bad! I went really really fast. After that I headed back to the bunny hill (? Maybe it was a bunny hill....it still looked pretty big to me...). Then I spent the rest of the day trying to remember what teacher Grant had said; of course thats sometimes difficult while flying down a hill trying to run into other people, trees, or the big pillars for the ski lift... after a while I got my mojo back and was able to get down without wiping out until the very bottom.
I think my main issue that I'm having is 1) controlling speed 2) turning to a stop at the base of the mountain after you've picked up a lot of speed. I wiped out A LOT at the base, and each time it ended with a showering of snow that my snowboard had caught. Well, at least I go out with style....
So the day's progression is as follows: 1) I learn to snowboard 2) I feel really good, almost prodigy-like, since I am ahead of my class and can link turns 3) I try the green and feel lame and stupid 4) humbled, I go back to the basics and find that I fail at those 5) I remember what my instructor said and get to a mediocre beginner level.
Needless to say, I can't wait to go again! Yes, parts of it were frustrating, and I have many bruises, but falling is part of getting better. And getting better is what I'm interested in :)
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