Come Ye sinners, poor and needy,
bruised and broken, sick and sore
Jesus, ready, stands to save you
full of pity, love, and power
He is able, He is able
He is willing, doubt no more
He is able, He is able
He is willing, doubt no more
These were the words I sang right before hopping up on stage to dance this morning. Tiffany and I did By Your Side at my church, this well-beloved and now very familiar dance that we've been performing since last June... Sometimes when you get ready to dance and minister, you feel so ready. Your body is warm and ready to go, your heart is where it needs to be, your mind is focused. And then there are days that are more like today. On this day I had 15 minutes to get up, get dressed, and get my hair and makeup done before dashing out the door (with the help of my sweet mom!). Then a fairly quick practice on stage, a little bit of time in between and then "oh my gosh! We need to get in there for the service!" Luckily, we were after the praise set, so we got to sing. This is always such a blessing when things happen in this order, because we get to sing and praise and get that "warmed up," so to speak. And then the dance.
If you have never seen By Your Side, you should know that it is rather dramatic. Correction, VERY dramatic (don't believe me? look it up on Youtube. Search for CMA By Your Side). It is part drama, part dance. I am the "sinner" in the story, which has been really good in so many ways, because the person I portray in the dance was the person who I was back in 2008. The story the dance tells is mine. So every time that I do this dance, I ask the Lord to remind me of that place in my life--those emotions, those thoughts and feelings. Today was one of those days when it didn't feel "there." I couldn't get into it. I prayed those song lyrics listed above as I sang them, because I felt like the empty person with nothing to offer. I just remember praying "well Lord, if I can't actually feel the emotion, then at least give me the face to portray the emotion." (For the record, this is a good prayer for me to pray. I don't naturally have the most dramatic face in the world, so sometimes it can be a challenge for me...) And praise the Lord, He did....from what people said afterward, I know that HE gave me the expression I needed today. Praise the Lord that He is the one who works, that nothing is impossible for Him! I continue to stand in awe of the way He chooses to work through me and lets me come along for the ride. He is able, He is willing, I will no longer doubt now that my eyes have seen Him and His greatness!
Y'all, I may not have a college education. I may have skipped out on a bunch of classes in high school. But I can tell you that God is BIG, He is good to the one who looks to Him and abides, and that He is faithful in His promises. Oh Lord, may I be your hands, your feet, your voice, your face to the world around me! May I serve as a signpost that points others to you in all I do...
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Church-going
Currently, I'm a part of two different churches.
The first, is Bethany Evangelical Free, an EFCA church of about 400 people methinks? In any case, I do quite enjoy it and have been going there for a few years now.
The second is a church I attend on Saturday nights, called Torch Life church, and.......*drumroll please*........it has no building. It is a house church. Each week we meet at a different person's house and have church there. I got connected with it through some friends who have been going to it (and one of these friends also happens to be the daughter of the pastors). I've been going there since August, since I wasn't getting a lot of community at Bethany.
You don't often hear about house churches in America. In other parts of the world, like China, the house church is pretty much the norm, but in the West, its not. Why? Well, my theory is that we like to be entertained. We like watching, we don't really like participating, and we REALLY don't like being one of the ministers in church. Now, I realize that is quite a large generalization, and some people don't participate in church because they have never even considered the possibility of such a notion......but really? Have we here in America become so accustomed to the "here I am, now entertain me" idea that we even apply it to church? Yet, that is what most people expect when they walk into the sanctuary on Sunday morning. We'll listen and sing with the music, listen to the sermon obediently, and maybe even help out with Sunday school....but edifying the congregation is not anywhere to be found on the to-do list.
That's one thing I really love about this house church. Everyone is allowed (and even encouraged and welcome) to share about what the Lord is speaking to them individually, or to the church, a picture or a prophecy the Lord has given them. And as we study the Bible, discussion, comments and questions are a regular occurrence. It almost feels like a Bible study that seeks the Lord together under the direction of a pastor. I love it.
A lack of building allows all the our tithes and the funds to go where we would like them to--not to pay for some expensive building and utilities, but to the Pastors and missionaries we want to support. Not having a facility also places the emphasis back on the church as a group of people, not a building you go to once a week where God supposedly resides. As our pastor Bruce likes to say "its not going TO church, its the Church, going." And that is exactly it. We are able to go. We are not tied down. Does it mean we can offer programs of all kinds, or huge events? Not exactly. But we are a church and we do seek the Lord, and we are still able to serve Him without a building, just as well as we could with a building. (Not to mention the fact that I feel like house church is a closer fit to the church model that we see in the book of Acts.) I think more Christians (and churches for that matter) should take a step back and ask themselves what their focus is, and whether a building is truly necessary for that focus and goal. I'm not saying its the right choice for everyone, but the point is that its a choice that shouldn't be forgotten.
*steps off soapbox*
The first, is Bethany Evangelical Free, an EFCA church of about 400 people methinks? In any case, I do quite enjoy it and have been going there for a few years now.
The second is a church I attend on Saturday nights, called Torch Life church, and.......*drumroll please*........it has no building. It is a house church. Each week we meet at a different person's house and have church there. I got connected with it through some friends who have been going to it (and one of these friends also happens to be the daughter of the pastors). I've been going there since August, since I wasn't getting a lot of community at Bethany.
You don't often hear about house churches in America. In other parts of the world, like China, the house church is pretty much the norm, but in the West, its not. Why? Well, my theory is that we like to be entertained. We like watching, we don't really like participating, and we REALLY don't like being one of the ministers in church. Now, I realize that is quite a large generalization, and some people don't participate in church because they have never even considered the possibility of such a notion......but really? Have we here in America become so accustomed to the "here I am, now entertain me" idea that we even apply it to church? Yet, that is what most people expect when they walk into the sanctuary on Sunday morning. We'll listen and sing with the music, listen to the sermon obediently, and maybe even help out with Sunday school....but edifying the congregation is not anywhere to be found on the to-do list.
That's one thing I really love about this house church. Everyone is allowed (and even encouraged and welcome) to share about what the Lord is speaking to them individually, or to the church, a picture or a prophecy the Lord has given them. And as we study the Bible, discussion, comments and questions are a regular occurrence. It almost feels like a Bible study that seeks the Lord together under the direction of a pastor. I love it.
A lack of building allows all the our tithes and the funds to go where we would like them to--not to pay for some expensive building and utilities, but to the Pastors and missionaries we want to support. Not having a facility also places the emphasis back on the church as a group of people, not a building you go to once a week where God supposedly resides. As our pastor Bruce likes to say "its not going TO church, its the Church, going." And that is exactly it. We are able to go. We are not tied down. Does it mean we can offer programs of all kinds, or huge events? Not exactly. But we are a church and we do seek the Lord, and we are still able to serve Him without a building, just as well as we could with a building. (Not to mention the fact that I feel like house church is a closer fit to the church model that we see in the book of Acts.) I think more Christians (and churches for that matter) should take a step back and ask themselves what their focus is, and whether a building is truly necessary for that focus and goal. I'm not saying its the right choice for everyone, but the point is that its a choice that shouldn't be forgotten.
*steps off soapbox*
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Potter and Clay
(Found this in my journal. I wrote it after finding out that God had closed the door to BalletMag. It was, and continues to be my prayer....Lord transform me into the image of yourself, that I may reflect you...)
You are the Potter
I am but clay
mold me and shape me-
I surrender my ways
to your skilled craftsman's hands
Lord, shape my heart
into your poema, Your work of art
Saturday, February 20, 2010
My hair and other vanities.
I re-dyed my hair red.
Only this time, its fire-engine red. And now I look like a Japanese anime character.
I am slightly scared of its vivid-ness, but I am mollified by the fact that it will calm down with a few washes. I don't know why I have such an affinity for red hair. I know it is a deep-rooted love, beginning somewhere in my childhood, but that's all I know; in the past few years this dream of being a red-headed beauty has become a reality with the help of a sister with skills and a box of dye. Its not that I didn't like my previous color, its just the fact that I like this better, and also feel like it fits my personality better. (Come on, nothing says "passionate, fun-loving, and possibly has a fiery temper" better than the color red...)
I'll admit that the hair change has become a part of my identity, but I think I love the fact that it makes me happy more than anything else. I know as Christian women, we're not supposed to find our beauty in our appearance, but in our attitude and behavior....But for me, this going red trend has a lot more to do with bringing me a bit of joy than being gorgeous. Now, my obsession over my face is another story, but for now, I will enjoy the red-headedness and the joy it brings :)
Only this time, its fire-engine red. And now I look like a Japanese anime character.
I am slightly scared of its vivid-ness, but I am mollified by the fact that it will calm down with a few washes. I don't know why I have such an affinity for red hair. I know it is a deep-rooted love, beginning somewhere in my childhood, but that's all I know; in the past few years this dream of being a red-headed beauty has become a reality with the help of a sister with skills and a box of dye. Its not that I didn't like my previous color, its just the fact that I like this better, and also feel like it fits my personality better. (Come on, nothing says "passionate, fun-loving, and possibly has a fiery temper" better than the color red...)
I'll admit that the hair change has become a part of my identity, but I think I love the fact that it makes me happy more than anything else. I know as Christian women, we're not supposed to find our beauty in our appearance, but in our attitude and behavior....But for me, this going red trend has a lot more to do with bringing me a bit of joy than being gorgeous. Now, my obsession over my face is another story, but for now, I will enjoy the red-headedness and the joy it brings :)
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Olympic Epicness
After choreographing for a while, I decided to take a break and went downstairs to watch the Olympics. What happened to be on? Well, first it was the legendary American snowboarder Shaun White, the guy with the long, wavy red hair, as well as some crazy mad tricks when it comes to snowboarding. On the Half Pipe, he was taking his victory lap, and at the end he did this insane trick....I don't remember but they called it, but essentially he made 3 rotations and 2 twists in the air before gliding back down. Let me repeat that: 3 rotations and 2 twists. Who does that? I think he's the only one. Of course, being the Gwen-jo that I am, it made me really want to try snowboarding. Technically I've wanted to try this for a really really long time, but I come from a non-athletic family and have never really had the opportunity to go (FYI, this is me asking in a not-so-subtle manner to be taken snowboarding. Come on guys. Someone. Anyone?)
All of these Olympians are just so epically awesome....the feats they do just make you go "wow." Like Lindsey Vonn winning the Gold in women's Downhill skiing today, with an injury might I add! I'm sure that doctors all over the country (and the world for that matter) are shaking their heads at the medical stupidity of it, but she won. She accomplished her dream.
That's probably why we love watching the Olympics so much--we're inspired. I mean, how can you not be inspired by the pure awesomeness? And as we all know, "there is no charge for awesomeness, or attractiveness." So while I may never be anywhere near Shaun White when it comes to snowboarding, seeing as I haven't started yet, I am still inspired to become the bestest snowboarder I can be.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Giving Back
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jeus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we have been comforted by God." 2 Cor. 1:3-4
Yesterday, between running to teaching various classes, I got stopped by one of my (former--she's in a different class now) student's moms. This girl is graduating this year, and like so many high school seniors, is not really sure what she wants to do with her life. Her mom started asking me about my journey through that process of figuring out life post-high school: the uncertainties, the doubts, the feeling that you're just untalented and useless, wondering what doors God will open, learning how He will open those doors..... Ah yes, I remember it quite well. It was rough, it was confusing, and it feels like you have to have your whole life planned out ahead of you. (Especially when you have friends who know EXACTLY what they want to do and are heading off to college...and you aren't really sure what your life will look like just yet...) But after that process ends---oh the peace you have inside, simply from making a decision!For me, the peace didn't come until later, when I figured out that hey, God DOES have a plan for my life, and somehow He guided me right into the middle of it. But being able to share my thoughts on that process was so......fulfilling? I guess that's the word I'm looking for. It felt like it had come full circle, being able to share what I had learned for the benefit of others. And the funny thing I've been noticing lately is that sharing your thoughts and beliefs with others reaffirms them in your own life as well. That definitely could be one reason why we are called to speak so much about the faith and hope that we know---it reminds us of how real it is in our own lives. I love that how in blessing others, we oftentimes end up receiving a blessing as well; obviously, that's not why we bless others, but it is a loverly byproduct!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Discouragement
"Uh, I've had a long and rather disappointing day....I should probably get some sleep now." -Monkey, Kung Fu Panda
*Disclaimer* This is the product of an extremely tired and not-so-optimistic Gwen-jo. If you do not mind mindless rambling and complaining, read on. If not, feel free to get back on Facebook, or whatever you were doing.
Some days things are awesome. Stuff goes just as it should, there's no hard questions or difficult decisions to make, you feel good about yourself.
Today was not one of those days.
For whatever reason, Day 1 of CMA Ft. Collins classes was not exactly stellar.
Maybe it was the plethora of kids wanting to be moved up (which of course makes me NOT want to move them up...), or the fact that I think that one of my classes thinks I'm insane and possibly hates me, the fact that I ate too much food AND spent too much money on food that I don't need to eat, the fact there are girls who I was teaching who are technically better than myself.....yeah. Disappointment.
Its days like this that make me wonder (or realize, depending on how you look at it) if I'm just really not cut out for this. What am I doing? I know that God has a purpose and plan putting me in a place where I am not exactly what you would call "gifted," but that doesn't always stop discouragement from setting in, like today. I am thankful for this season of my life. God has blessed me and taught me a lot through this teaching position. But sometimes you just wish for some sign of encouragement, some small little flower of happiness in the sea of weariness (like in the picture on my blog...). I feel like I teach them nothing. Its especially hard when I feel like they don't get anything out of the devotionals. I would like to teach them dance, but teaching them how to love the Lord is infinitely more important...and when I feel like I can't even help them in that......
I know I just need to take a deep breath and remember that it is only the first day, a lot of the girls don't really know me, God often works behind the scenes without giving any sign that He is doing so....and I am tired. After all, Ft. Collins isn't exactly right up the road....
*sigh* Here's to hoping that tomorrow will be better. The sun will come out tomorrow.... and with it some new mercies.
*Disclaimer* This is the product of an extremely tired and not-so-optimistic Gwen-jo. If you do not mind mindless rambling and complaining, read on. If not, feel free to get back on Facebook, or whatever you were doing.
Some days things are awesome. Stuff goes just as it should, there's no hard questions or difficult decisions to make, you feel good about yourself.
Today was not one of those days.
For whatever reason, Day 1 of CMA Ft. Collins classes was not exactly stellar.
Maybe it was the plethora of kids wanting to be moved up (which of course makes me NOT want to move them up...), or the fact that I think that one of my classes thinks I'm insane and possibly hates me, the fact that I ate too much food AND spent too much money on food that I don't need to eat, the fact there are girls who I was teaching who are technically better than myself.....yeah. Disappointment.
Its days like this that make me wonder (or realize, depending on how you look at it) if I'm just really not cut out for this. What am I doing? I know that God has a purpose and plan putting me in a place where I am not exactly what you would call "gifted," but that doesn't always stop discouragement from setting in, like today. I am thankful for this season of my life. God has blessed me and taught me a lot through this teaching position. But sometimes you just wish for some sign of encouragement, some small little flower of happiness in the sea of weariness (like in the picture on my blog...). I feel like I teach them nothing. Its especially hard when I feel like they don't get anything out of the devotionals. I would like to teach them dance, but teaching them how to love the Lord is infinitely more important...and when I feel like I can't even help them in that......
I know I just need to take a deep breath and remember that it is only the first day, a lot of the girls don't really know me, God often works behind the scenes without giving any sign that He is doing so....and I am tired. After all, Ft. Collins isn't exactly right up the road....
*sigh* Here's to hoping that tomorrow will be better. The sun will come out tomorrow.... and with it some new mercies.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Does my love for Christ stretch to my wallet?
So at Celebration Ministry of Arts, this session we will be focusing on outreach--God's love flowing through us to others. (It fits together rather well after last session, talking about the Vine and the Branches and how He is all we need.) I am really excited, yet at the same time, very challenged.
Not because I don't like the idea of outreach, this cup overflowing to those around us--its the practical application of it is the thing. Its recently come to my attention that I am very selfish. VERY selfish. Maybe not at first glance, but when you look closer.....for instance, my finances. Yes, I tithe. But the bare minimum. Yes, I sometimes give to missions/missionaries, Haiti, etc. But there's always enough left in my account to get that oh-so-unnecessary Starbucks fix.
I say that I love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and I want to share His love with others ("Lord, whatever it takes for me to show you to the world!"), but when that sentiment doesn't even stretch as far as my wallet, I have a problem.
It kind of reminds me of the story in Mark 12:41-44
"And [Jesus] sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, 'Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had to live on.'"
As much as it hurts to admit it, I am the rich person in the story---putting in a small fraction of what I could really give and walking away with the coins in my wallet clinking. I try to kid myself and say "well, I'm giving God the best of everything else I do, isn't that enough?" or "Really, realistically, this is all that I can give. Honest. I'll practically starve if I put more into the offering plate."
Such lies. I once knew (well, I guess still know) a girl who had no income. She had no real job---and the Lord provided for her to the point where she had money for rent, food, tuition, a car, and she was able to tithe. It was incredible. And I know of other stories like this, and yet I still doubt that the Lord will provide if I give more. Its pathetic. I am disgusted with myself.
I want to change. I want everything that I have, including my finances, to be able to be used by God at HIS convenience; I want it all to be at His disposal....and yet I fear. Old habits die hard....I know that this will not be a quick fix (what is?), but I keep praying that God will help me to be obedient as I offer this area of my life to Him. Lord make me faithful in giving back to you what you have loaned to me for the time being! Make me to be a good steward.
Not because I don't like the idea of outreach, this cup overflowing to those around us--its the practical application of it is the thing. Its recently come to my attention that I am very selfish. VERY selfish. Maybe not at first glance, but when you look closer.....for instance, my finances. Yes, I tithe. But the bare minimum. Yes, I sometimes give to missions/missionaries, Haiti, etc. But there's always enough left in my account to get that oh-so-unnecessary Starbucks fix.
I say that I love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and I want to share His love with others ("Lord, whatever it takes for me to show you to the world!"), but when that sentiment doesn't even stretch as far as my wallet, I have a problem.
It kind of reminds me of the story in Mark 12:41-44
"And [Jesus] sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, 'Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had to live on.'"
As much as it hurts to admit it, I am the rich person in the story---putting in a small fraction of what I could really give and walking away with the coins in my wallet clinking. I try to kid myself and say "well, I'm giving God the best of everything else I do, isn't that enough?" or "Really, realistically, this is all that I can give. Honest. I'll practically starve if I put more into the offering plate."
Such lies. I once knew (well, I guess still know) a girl who had no income. She had no real job---and the Lord provided for her to the point where she had money for rent, food, tuition, a car, and she was able to tithe. It was incredible. And I know of other stories like this, and yet I still doubt that the Lord will provide if I give more. Its pathetic. I am disgusted with myself.
I want to change. I want everything that I have, including my finances, to be able to be used by God at HIS convenience; I want it all to be at His disposal....and yet I fear. Old habits die hard....I know that this will not be a quick fix (what is?), but I keep praying that God will help me to be obedient as I offer this area of my life to Him. Lord make me faithful in giving back to you what you have loaned to me for the time being! Make me to be a good steward.
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